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Monday, December 7, 2015

Few Blond Jokes

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said
Disneyland LEFT.
  They started crying... and turned around and went home.    

 
 
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.  She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What's the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

 
SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her driver’s license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together!
Just yesterday they took my license away and
now today you expect me to show it to you?”

 
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

 A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor.  “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
she pushed her elbow and screamed even
more.  She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”

 
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. 
Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”

 
BLOND ON TIME
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked
her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex”
and one was named“Timex”.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
   “Helllooooo... ,” answered the blonde.  “They're watchdogs.”        

 
FINALLY, THE
BLONDE
JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

FLORIDA WOMAN STOPS ALLIGATOR ATTACK WITH A SMALL BERETTA PISTOL. (UNCLASSIFIED)

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words:


"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.


She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!


Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.


The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer s fees was really incredible!"

Monster Spray?  Hmmm

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

You know what an uncircumcised penis looks like? A bishop waring a turtle neck.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Best Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Too Cute

This is a Water Commercial


Monday, June 15, 2009

A.A.A.D.D. Know The Symptoms

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better, even though I have it !
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left..
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water
there is still only 1 check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....